Tues, 14 June 2016, 4:03 pm: As Egyptologists study hieroglyphics, scientists in the distant future will analyze the simplistic drawings on airport information signs.
Here’s an overhead set at gate B3 at the Southwest Florida International Airport in Fort Myers.
The top one represents an elevator. Seems pretty standard. Not much to speculate about there.
However, you could look at it too long and start wondering why there are three people in it. Would one person give you false hope that straight ahead is a private elevator? Would two people inspire thoughts of a private love cube where you could make out with a new friend and maybe get so frisky that you make the enclosure bounce up and down? Maybe four people would make you think, I don’t want to ride on an elevator that crowded. Let me find the sign for a less popular elevator.
The middle left drawing is an immigration officer checking a passport. I suppose, though, he could instead be reading a book, killing time until the next batch of travelers walks up to his counter. Clearly it’s not a thick tome such as one of the GAME OF THRONES novels; it’s something lightweight like Donald Trump’s foreign policy primer.
On the right in the middle is an officer inspecting a suitcase. That’s maybe the most obvious one on the whole board.
Or is it? That cop could totally be DJ’ing. If that’s not a piece of luggage, it’s a government-supplied state-of-the-art turntable, and the officer is spinning some Earth, Wind & Fire to help you groove tonight right through security.
You’re in trouble if that’s your suitcase at the bottom left, because that inspector just found a giant sprig of marijuana in it. Right? Or is he a prankster setting you up to get busted at your destination airport by planting the pot in there himself? In that case, this sign means “warning: frame-up ahead.” I guess it could be some other type of leaves. Maybe it’s a three leaf clover and he’s tucking it into your suitcase for luck. Yes, it’s four leaf clovers that are reputed to be lucky, but that guy isn’t up on his Irish mythology.
My favorite is on the bottom right. This is my new favorite drawing ever. I intend to silkscreen it onto tee-shirts and talk my tattoo-obsessed friends into getting it as their next ink.
This sign means, we better not find a single yak or parrot in that suitcase of yours, mister. Or, er, it means that there’s a guard ahead who will entertain you with the talking mynah bird on his arm while you’re waiting in the security line. And be sure to laugh at the bird’s stupid jokes, or the officer will curse you with satanic magic using that goat’s head he’s stashed behind his counter.
Just kidding. Obviously this vague but ambitious sign aims to remind you that you need to declare to the customs personnel whether you’ve handled animals at a zoo or farm during your travels.
Unless it means you’re this inspector’s final customer of the day before he zips off for his appearance on Johnny Carson’s old TONIGHT SHOW. He’s that one old dude who always brought the animals that climbed on Ed’s head and peed on Carson’s desk! Yes! You are correct, Sir!